Thanks to both of you who have responded. I tried to open this topic by describing my situation as succinctly as possible, while being aware that some further clarifications would be needed. Here is some additional background:
I was raised Episcopalian as a boy, went away from the church for many years beginning at about age ten, then returned later as an adult with my wife's family to attend the Christian and Missionary Alliance church, a Bible and Trinity believing independent denomination. In the process of attempting to address the question I've described, I have attended many other churches also, including Presbyterian, Lutheran, Catholic, Baptist, Calvary Chapel, several other independents, and yes, even the Jehovah's Witnesses. I then explored eastern religion, esotericism, mysticism (both Christian and other sources) and gnosticism. So far mysticism has come closest to a solution, yet the answer remains incomplete and unsatisfactory.
To cast the problem again in other terms, let me say that try as I may, and study as I might, I still do not know who Jesus Christ is. I know all [i]about[/i] Him, but I do not [i]know[/i] Him. SemperReformanda quoted from the Book of John 14:
19 "After a little while the world will no longer see Me, [i]but you will see Me[/i]; because I live, you will live also.
20 "In that day [i]you will know that I am in My Father[/i], and you in Me, and I in you. (Italics mine)
But I do [i]not[/i] see Christ. I see [u]only[/u] God the Father and the Holy Spirit. In my direct personal experience, there is no Son in the Father. (Father, please forgive me if this explanation is imperfect or impure.) There is in fact no place or need for Christ in my experience of God. Christ is [i]invisible[/i] to me, and attempting to find Him or force Him into my experience of God causes only pain, and spoils the perfect and natural interaction between God the Father, the Holy Spirit, and myself. So while the reality of Christ makes perfect Biblical, rational and spiritual sense, and I believe in it, that reality has nevertheless never been part of my experience of God to date, [u][i]and I don't know why.[/i][/u]
Why am I so frightened? (Very perceptive of you, neicey.) The answer is imbedded in the above. How can I possibly be truly right with God, [i]even knowing Him directly[/i], while not knowing who Jesus is? I have now come to the point of doubting literally everything.
Savin
