Before I begin, I must say that I am an extremely legalistic, self-righteous and proud person. That is a BIG problem.
Just a few days ago I was reading 'Human Nature in its Fourfold State' by Thomas Boston, particularly the chapter called something like 'The Mystical Union between Christ and believers'. Boston was talking about how the Holy Spirit 'chops' the elect off the original tree and ingrafts them into Christ.
He then explains the different stages that people can go through before they come to an end of themselves. Basically he was describing legalism- starting with the open "I will improve myself to save myself" to more subtle forms.
And frankly it scared me. Some of what he said sounded way too much like ME for comfort. And I am depressed.
I suppose I'm scared of being burnt again. I joined the church about 5 years ago after been scared nearly to suicide by dreams I had had- showing me just how horrible I was. It took a LOT of convincing that I could still be saved. I asked God for forgiveness- and fell into the trap of thinking that my asking was what mattered. So I asked again and again, all the while engineering feelings in myself to make my request "better".
I sort of got the idea that saved people should out of gratitude serve Christ. So I did. When it fit in with my plans. <img src="/forum/images/graemlins/Banghead.gif" alt="" />
3 years ago I started realising that I was supposed to be completely Christ's. So I tried to be, and started spending more time studying the Bible and reading books. Then I understood reformed theology. I sort of realized that the asking for forgiveness wasn't the important thing but I don't know whether or not it sunk in. <img src="/forum/images/graemlins/Banghead.gif" alt="" />
The last year I have been under terrible conviction and so on. Read Grace Abounding and was some comfort. But then again I think I was trusting my conviction. <img src="/forum/images/graemlins/Banghead.gif" alt="" />
I went through times I thought I had commited the unpardonable sin but eventually 8 months ago I realized the idea of grace. That it is all of grace, and I was filled with peace. It wasn't a quick thing but a slow thing, but now I wonder if it ever happened. I am afraid I am trusting my feelings yet again. Recently I have had such legalistic, self-righteous thoughts (something like Jonah's) I don't know that I ever received mercy. I suppose it just comes down to casting myself on his mercy and waiting. Which I have done (I think).
BTW I don't want a bandaid so if you were thinking of offering me one, please don't. I just want prayer.
I've been thinking hard about it and I suppose it comes down to trusting Christ to save from legalism, trusting him even when you CAN'T TRUST. Is that right?
anna3b
p.s sorry this is long it helps to write
