The Highway Forums General Discussion Open Forum telling the truth vs. gossip

Well,

My family and I have made the painful decision to move on from the church we've been attending for 3+ years. The reasons are plentiful: from the fact that all 5 of the pastor's children are backslidden (compare Titus 1:6), to the fact that his wife is a malicious gossip in the darkest sense of the word, to the sorrowful mishandling of Scripture we hear every Sunday, etc. etc. etc.

Anyways, I am writing a letter to the church board explaining exactly why we're leaving, and the letter is going to be quite frank about the things I mentioned above, and more.

But now, I am struggling with a question I would like some input on: what is my responsibility to the other people still attending the church, when I'm asked by them why we left? Some of them may not know about these issues, and I'm wondering, how much is gossip? How far does it go before its slander? How honest do I have to be?

I feel a certain responsibility to tell the truth to those people, but on the other hand I am petrified to sin by gossip or slander. I've been thinking about how Paul told the Galatian church all the nitty-gritties of his confrontation with Peter, beacuse obviously they needed to know, but then am wondering if that situation is even close to this one. I'm kind of spinning from this whole situation, and am feeling at a loss for wisdom.

So, any input (and prayers) would be appreciated!

Tell everyone as much as you think they need to know. As long as you are telling the truth for the benefit of others, rather than for the purpose of deliberately harming someone's reputation out of malice, I don't see how it could be wrong.

Henry,

It appears that all of the issues that need to be addressed pertain to the qualifications of your pastor. Certainly having his household in order is an important one along with faithful preaching. However, have you considered what you might do if the board of the church corrected these matters. Would you still leave? It could be that presenting these concerns to the board might be just what's needed to encourage them to take action. They are probably already aware of some of these things but maybe not as much as you. I wouldn't recommend that you send a letter to the board as you leave the church but rather give them an opportunity to correct this before you leave. If they do not then you may want to leave.

Personally I wouldn't talk about this with other members or friends. I don't think that would be appropriate. The goal is to bring about repentance while keeping general public awareness of the sin to a minimum. Let the officers of the church deal with this matter.

Finally I'd recommend you pray for this man. Rather than just pointing fingers at his flaws maybe you can help him. Maybe you can meet with him privately and discuss these things. He may need help from someone just like you. I'll be praying for you and your family as you work through these issues. May God bless you with wisdom and guide you in your decision.


Wes

If all of the children are backslidden, the wife is a malicious gossip, and the preacher does not know how to handle the Scriptures, then the whole family needs to go. Unless Henry thinks that it is possible that "the board" (whatever that is) is willing to boot them out of the church, then there is no reason for him to stay.

Stuart,

It's difficult for us to make a judgment based on the small amount of information Henry has provided. Your advice sounds a bit hasty.

The pastor may not be qualified nor fit to lead the congregation but certainly they should be praying for him and trying to help him. After all the church is not a hotel for the righteous but a hospital for sinners. If we throw out every family that has rebellious children and a wife that gossips we'd be overlooking our Lord's advice in Matthew 7:3-5. Condemning others for their faults is failure to excercise forgiveness. Only a gentle and humble criticism that first recognizes one's own greater faults can help.


Wes

If you need to write a letter to the church board at this point, have you followed what the Lord required in Matt 18:15-17? Shouldn't they know why your are leaving without the letter?

Henry,

I heartily agree with Wes. Have you talked to the pastor or any of the elders about any of this? If you have already approached them and they are unwilling to act, THEN you are freed from your responsibility, but you are obliged to try and remedy the situation. As Wes has pointed out, you have not given us much information, and we cannot know and help you more without it. Perhaps you would rather pm Wes, or someone privately to discuss this.

In His Hands,

Ruth